I know I promised an entry about Rome, but I honestly don't feel like writing much about that right now. I will give a brief over view: one of THE oldest cities in the WORLD; the foundation of our cities, infrastructure, architecture, government, religion, all of it - modeled off the Greeks and Romans. At first glance, the city's vibe didn't hit me quite as strongly as Paris and Barcelona (Ash could sense this in me as we wandered around on our first full day). Then we turned a corner and what popped out in front of us? Oh yes...the Colosseum!!!! I literally went =O followed by WTF?!? The whole city revealed itself in this manner; hidden treasures, ruins all buried in Piazzas and bustling round abouts. If I'm honest though, Ash and I found it hard to enjoy Rome in its full glory due to many obstacles: hostel kind of sucked (freezing, wifi inconsistent, not best location, although we did have some funny Brazilian guy roommates and a girl from Canada); it snowed the day we visited the Vatican and the Italians had no idea what to do, shutting down most of the city; and I got sick on top of all this. Frozen feet, sniffling nose, and just strange vibes all made us realize we needed to visit Rome again perhaps in the summer. Although, don't get me wrong, still enjoyed the trip nonetheless; I mean when is it that you get to see the Colosseum, Temple of the Unknown Soldier (huge white palace out of the original Clash of the Titans, I swear), Vatican City, Sisten Chapel, Saint Peter's Basillica, Trevi Fountain, Piazza Sant'Angelo, the Panethon (unfortunately only the outside because it was closed the two times we tried to go inside). Plus we ate amazing food along the way and ended our last night watching the Super Bowl at our sister hostel down the road.
So why am I writing then? If not in detail about Rome and other adventures? It's about the revelations. Yes, oh the many thoughts I've been enduring - much too much time for my thoughts to brew, over brew, and bubble over, cycle after cycle like a crazy hamster in a wheel. (I am better now, otherwise I wouldn't be able to write to you all, heh). First time I was actually completely alone and on my own was about a week and a half ago - my audition to Hannover. First audition, or cattle call, of the season for me - "time to work". Hannover, to Den Haag for class with Nederlands Dans Theatre (a dream company and the best contemporary dance company in the world), back to Kiel, then to Leipzig, and back to Kiel - all occurring in a week. From writing incessantly in my journal about my future and what the hell to do with my life, to devouring my book "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris, to writing again, sleeping, listening to music, to finally being then surprisingly inspired with new choreographic ideas - all these things reeling over and over.
Now here I sit in Kiel, in my brother's apartment, finally drawing some "conclusions" or clearer realizations. First one, through a conversation with my girl Ash the other night:
Ashley Cramer Oh no!!! :( hugs!!!!! It's cool, shake it off. I love you and Europe is trying to tell you something. You're here for a reason, remember? And just think of what you've accomplished already. Petey would be proud :) ftttttYesterday at 12:13pm ·- Ashleigh Doede Hahahaaaa yes yes this is true..the world is telling me something - the message, my destiny is already out here, I just need to relax and heighten all my senses to attain it, fulfill it.Yesterday at 12:16pm · ·
1 - Ashleigh Doede Thanks ash for always snapping me back into mysel and for always being here and for understanding all this!Yesterday at 12:16pm ·
- Ashley Cramer Girl, I'm always here. We have different crafts but both are art forms none the less. I get it. And we believe in the same shit. Fate. It's out there and you're already living it... You just have to sit back and look at the big picture. You're in Europe bc you're suppose to be. Now you just have to think of why :) besides all the fun with me. HahaYesterday at 12:18pm ·
- Ashleigh Doede Hahah! Yes yes. I'm thinking Europe overall right now in my life is to absorb as much life as possible to to simply be me. To be comfortable in my own skin by experiencing every emotion possible through all facets of myself. That was my gut instinct upon our arrival and I am beginning to see more and more how true that is.Yesterday at 12:21pm ·
- Ashley Cramer Amen to that! All facets... As difficult as they are to face. And we have had some pretty good experiences! Good and bad, crazy and sane, funny and sad, all of which are at either extremes. Hahahahahaha! I'm loving looking back on this alreadyYesterday at 1:00pm ·
- Ashleigh Doede YES moi aussiYesterday at 1:08pm ·
So, in essence, fulfill my destiny by fulfilling each facet of myself. Something Ash wrote to me in my journal, on a random page, on our last day in Barcelona that I finally stumbled upon in my writing:
"I love you more than words but remember to love yourself first and foremost. Don't forget who you are or your main goal: Do things for you and be you without dance. Remember to self practice and teach yourself how to become balanced with yoga and life. Also, BE the person you want to meet. Be your own doctor and heal yourself only AFTER you've let yourself be sick and feel all the stages of emotions. When all else fails, remember fttttt E from Petey AND I'm only a skype phone call away and I'm probably feeling the same way you are. All my love!"
Mmmm that girl...she knows, she knows, and therefore I know, too, because these are things I've said to myself. Of course do you only understand once someone ELSE says it to you though, heh. Of course I return the favor as well and say the same things to her or others.
Also I must say that I had a lovely conversation with Stefi yesterday - she's a beautiful dancer and person here in Kiel, whom I admire greatly. She ended up saying "It's far better to be dancing somewhere you love the work than to just be dancing anywhere." - that ended up hitting soundly with me because I have been struggling with this for sometime now. A reason I have ended up returning to PDT is based upon those words; PDT is small, yes, and we have intermittent work, but when we DO work on productions, I feel alive because I'm dancing a lot and getting a chance to explore myself and dance further. I've had moments like these in Milwaukee and Nevada, but they are far from consistent. I suppose that is what I'm searching for right now: consistency!
Today I can say the "conclusion" I've drawn up as of now is I am not at a fork in the road, nor at a cross road, I am floating somewhere in the middle with paths continuously illuminating around me with endless possibilities.
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